For the past few weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time in this space talking about what sports mean. For some people, this is the kind of navel-gazing bullshit that ruined sports journalism over the last fifteen years. Those people are, by and large, gambling addicts who can’t figure out an actionable way to include biographical information into their picks.

HOWEVER, they aren’t completely wrong, at least in the sense that long-form pieces about why the men’s hockey team is a bunch of dipshits or how learning about new things is a fun adventure in and of itself can take away from one of those most fundamental truths about sports:

Sometimes shit just kicks ass.

And this weekend’s UK Open is darts’ testament to that idea. It’s usually referred to as the FA Cup of Darts, because of the nature of how pairings are decided — like the FA, matchups are draw at random in between rounds and there is no “privilege” attached to your standing, so you could end up playing the worst person left in the tournament or the best in any given round until the semi-final, where a bracket technically emerges out of sheer mathematical inevitability — but this has little-to-no meaning to non-soccer fans and even a decent chunk of American soccer fans.

So, to put it in terms more people reading this might better understand: The UK Darts Open answers the question “What if March Madness fucked Coachella and made drunken English babies?”. Which isn’t a thing you knew you needed an answer to, and yet, I think we both know you’re kind of into now that you’ve heard it.

The tournament site — a “holiday camp” called Butlin’s Minehead, which is, as Brad likes to describe it, basically a (somehow) sadder Atlantic City mixed with a sleepaway camp — houses all the participants, the patrons and each of the eight boards upon which the tournament takes place.

These boards — one on the main stage in the “circus tent”¹ portion of the grounds, another on a second smaller stage and then six of them in a separate room that eventually becomes a British Boardy Barn — host each game for the first four rounds (all taking place on Friday), before the boards consolidate down to four for the fifth round, then two for the sixth on Saturday then down to one for the final three rounds on Sunday. For the sake of everyone’s safety, thankfully all of these locations are within walking distance, if not necessarily the same building, all with alcohol served everywhere, so as to not ruin the vibe.²

Speaking of vibes: it feels important to note that while the draws are random, the matchups are not a surprise (at least through the first three rounds). The drawing of these matchups, for logistical reasons, was done before the tournament. Which may seem like cheating (or at least cheapening) the “randomness” of the proceedings.

HOWEVER, because of the nature of how the draws are done, it somehow has the opposite effect: Take, for example, the paths diverged in the woods between the No. 33 ranked player in the world, Peter “Snakebite” Wright, and the No. 34 ranked player in the world, Ricardo “Pikachu” Pietreczko.

“Snakebite” is paired up in his third round match³ against the winner of the second round match between the No. 91 ranked player in the world, Maximillian Czerwinksi and the winner of the first round match between No. 112 ranked player in the world Darius Labanauskas and “PDC in the Community” Qualifier Callum Francis of Kings Worthy.

If you were to turn this into a mathematical notation, it’d look like this:

#33 v. (#91 vs. (#112 vs #160<X>128), where X equals “a qualifier”. For the sake of saving words and reducing confusion, let’s check out Pikachu’s match up in the same format:

#34 v. #37.

Yep, that’s right. While Snakebite, the 33rd ranked player in the world, will be playing the darting equivalent of a tomato can who already played earlier that day (potentially even twice!) the next ranked player in the world, Pikachu, finds himself against Kevin Doets, the number 37th ranked player on the tour.

For context as it relates the discrepancy between these two opponents⁴, Maximillian Czerwinksi would need to win this tournament twice and get a runner-up in his third run at it to be within striking distance of the former two-time world champ’s current place on the ranking list. To get similarly close to Pikachu, Doets would have to make it to the final, something for which he is currently getting odds equal to Snakebite to achieve⁵.

And this kind of shit happens every round. More often than not, through the sheer force of probability, most of the best players in the world — essentially all of whom enter in the fourth round, though occasionally a straggler/fledgling dartist can get left behind in the second to last group of staggered entrants —we don’t get these kind of massive splits in the quality of opponents. But in a very literal sense, it’s the luck of the draw nearly as much as the talent of the players that determines who will perform well in this tournament and who will end up taking a sad train (I assume they don’t have airports near Minehead) home a day or two earlier than expected.

Now, to the outside observer, that may seem unfair. And from a mathematical standpoint, you might be right. But, quite frankly, that’s not the point of the whole thing. The point of the whole thing — not just darts, or darts tournaments, but sports in general — is to have a good time and get lost in the moments. There is, of course, something to be said about the best of the best playing against the best of the best, so that we know who the best of the best of the best of the best truly is.

But not everything needs to be that. Sometimes, it’s more fun to get drunk⁶ with your buddies in a seaside town in England, standing up a hundred times in three days to show you love the darts, all the while wondering if the guy you saw hanging out at Board 8 might end up being World Champ someday.

Because of the (literal) biblical shitshow happening in Iran right now, the AFC (Asian Football Confederation) has postponed half of the matches of their club championship tournament, the AFC Champions League Elite. The pan-Asian equivalent of the UEFA Champions League, the tournament is split into two cohorts, with the “West” featuring those qualifying teams from Central Asia (“Middle East” east to the ‘Stans) challenging other teams in the region, while the “East” features most of the countries in the region who border the Pacific Ocean.

This is a tournament that has not been without controversy and postponements before, but given the breadth of the fallout from our “pre-emptive”⁷ strikes, it’s possible that this may end up being a more permanent situation than simply a postponement. We’ll keep our beloved readers abreast of any developments, though we are very much hoping that this idiot doesn’t turn us into war correspondents.

Wednesday at 18:00 ET
The Brier - Draw 15

The final stretch of group play in the 2026 Brier.  Although there are three sessions on the day (08:00, 13:00, and 18:00), this final session gets the nod as we see Team Canada and the Newfoundland and Labrador team led by Brad Gushue try to stay undefeated in the group.  These two teams will actually meet in their final group match on Thursday at 13:00.  The top three in each group will qualify for the knockout stages, which begin this Friday.

Thursday at 03:30 ET

AFL: Sydney Swans v. Carlton

The original sport for American insomniacs begins this weekend.  The first match between Sydney and Carlton kicks things off for the 2026 season, which also sees an expanded playoff (or “Finals Series”) field, increasing from 8 to 10 teams.

Friday at 06:00 ET

PDC UK Open

The best tournament on the PDC calendar begins early this Friday.  The unique multi-board event consists of all 128 tour card holders and an additional 32 qualifiers from the Challenge Tour, Development Tour, and two amateur qualifiers (PDC in the Community and Rileys Qualifiers).  Continuing the trend started back in 2023, all eight boards will have live streams (though not all will necessarily have commentary).

Saturday at 12:00 ET

NCAA Men’s Lacrosse: #2 Richmond v. #13 Georgetown

Richmond continues its rise up the rankings hitting #2 this week.  They face a tough matchup against an always difficult Georgetown squad.  With #1 ranked Notre Dame facing tough opposition at #6 Ohio State, it could be possible for Richmond to get the #1 spot after this weekend.

Sunday at 13:05 ET
Rugby Sevens World Series: Vancouver

The Rugby Sevens World Series (also now known as SVNS, because we want to make this tournament sound like a tech startup) makes its annual stop in Vancouver.  Although this sport experienced a spike in popularity during the Olympics in 2016 and 202One, this world tour has been in existence since 1999.  The US stop will take place March 14-15 in Harrison, New Jersey at the home stadium of the New York Red Bulls.

Monday at 18:00 ET

NCAA Women’s Lacrosse: Cal v. Stonehill College

A little Monday evening women’s lacrosse?  We may be swimming upstream on this, but why the heck not! The Stonehill Skyhawks make the cross country trip to take on the Cal Golden Bears.  Does Stonehill get the win or is Cal gonna be, gonna be golden?

Tuesday at 06:00 ET

AFC Champions League Elite - Round of 16 2nd Leg: Machida Zelvic v. Gangwon FC

After a goalless 0-0 draw in the first leg, the teams meet again in the second leg with everything to play for.  This tournament does not use the away goals rule, so it is truly a win or go home situation.  As a bonus, this match will be followed by the second leg between Buriram United and Melbourne City, which finished 1-1 in the first leg

We’re off this week, as the dispatch has already happened above. Go hang out with your family or some shit.